I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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