I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
