if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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