Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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