i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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