Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I think I won the penis lottery.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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