I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize