Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
