you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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