Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I look better un-naked...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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