I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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