There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
