just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
