I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
