The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
