Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
