I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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