Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
