New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
