so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
