i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
