he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
