yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
