sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize