yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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