Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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