He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
my being single is dangerous.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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