Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
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