if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I cannot find my penis.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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