Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
