I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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