at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
