dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
