You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
