I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
