Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
