Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
