And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
