I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
