Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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