You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
