finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
