you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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