I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
