you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
