i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
