One girl and one boy is just not enough.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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