your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
