On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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