I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
