you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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