I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
