I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize