So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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