I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
