I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
