So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
